A Word on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is still tricky. Not just for me. But for both of us.

Arguably, the first Mother’s Day I got to be on the “receiving end” of was in 2019 when I was pregnant with Marley.

Then a few weeks later, she died, and for many, Mother’s Day no longer included me.

Then, 2020 came. Then, 2021. Each with no child in my arms, but with more dead children in my heart.

Then on Mother’s Day, 2022, I held our 10-day-old daughter in my arms.

So when did Mother’s Day include me? In 2022, in 2019? Today? Always? Never?

When Nick and I discussed how we felt about Mother’s Day this year, we both agreed, “It’s complicated.”

Since Marley’s death, I let Mother’s Day pass me by. I didn’t send cards. Or texts. I opted out of emails. I kind of just let the day happen around me because I didn’t know how or if, or when I could/should/would want to participate. P’s birth did not change that overnight. And one year later, Mother’s Day still has me feeling a way.

I realize now that many things we were taught as kids were demonstrated as binaries. Things were either good or bad. Girl or boy. Mother or Father. Gay or Straight. Black or white.

Like so many things in life, there’s actually a spectrum, not a binary, and mothering is one of them. I think that’s why I love the quote above so much. It doesn’t just celebrate women that have children in their arms. But it celebrates all who do the work of “mothering.” Aunties. Grandmas. Dads. Those who are waiting. Those who are grieving. Those who are trying.

The first Sunday in May is International Bereaved Mother’s Day – a day to recognize the mothers worldwide who have lost children. One of the quotes our group support shares around this day is, “A mother is not defined by the number of children you see, but by the love she holds in her heart.” Personally, I’d switch out the pronoun from she to they, but you get the meaning.

It’s not that you’re either a Mother or not – which is how we treat most women. The reality is it’s complicated.

I suppose our relationship with Mother’s Day/Father’s Day will evolve. Time will tell.

But in the meanwhile, I hope this post inspires you to think about mothers and mothering a little differently. Because few things are ever really just black or white. And it’s time we all start thinking a little more about everything in between.