Week 36: Zen

T-4 days to delivery.

I should be freaking out. I should be excited. I should be anxious or worried. But I am not.

I am none of those things.

I am eerily calm. Chill. At peace.

Zen.

This is a new feeling. Something neither of us has felt in 3 years. I remember a particular Denver Share meeting where we had a guest facilitator who had us write a word on a rock. The word was supposed to be something that was meaningful to us about the loss of our babies. This was shortly after we lost Marley. I wrote the word, “peace.” Peace was something I had been longing for. Peace with my family and friends who had hurt me. Peace with my body. Peace with the medical system. Peace for my mind and my heart which were still so troubled by what had happened.

I can’t say that I have found all those things yet. But somehow, this week, just 4 days before we meet our daughter I’ve found some peace. Maybe it’s that we have finally surrendered to the universe: nothing is in our control. What will happen, will happen.

And maybe it’s because only a handful of people know that we are having a baby in less than a week. There are no “did you have the baby yet” phone calls? Or “hey, how are you feeling?” No relentless texts and inquiries. The few people that do know, have been asked to respect our silence and understand that this is a sacred time.

In a few days, we are going to have the biggest disruption ever to our quiet little lives and I cannot wait. But for now, I will enjoy the quiet and the sweet surrender to this long sought after peace.