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A Word on Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day is still tricky. Not just for me. But for both of us. Arguably, the first Mother’s Day I got to be on the “receiving end” of was in 2019 when I was pregnant with Marley. Then a few weeks later, she died, and for many, Mother’s Day no longer included me. Then, 2020 came. Then, 2021. Each with no child in my arms, but with more dead children in my heart. Then on Mother’s Day, 2022, I held our 10-day-old daughter in my arms. So when did Mother’s Day include me? In 2022, in 2019? Today? Always? Never? When Nick and I discussed how we felt about Mother’s…
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The holidays are hard. Yes, still.
As long as a parent is living while their child is not, it will hurt. The holidays are especially hard, and don’t necessarily “get easier” with time. – Walk With Me, Colorado Nonprofit “The holidays” started in October for us when we had to start thinking about how we would deal with Halloween and the subsequent holiday season. A year after Marley died, we tried to “reclaim” Halloween. It was early October, and Monique was pregnant with Maya and Zion. We were just coming out of the deep grief from Marley’s death and finally feeling hopeful as the new pregnancy was going really well. We planned to send out Halloween-themed…
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Without Roe v. Wade, We Wouldn’t Have Our Daughter
Our daughter Marley died on a Friday morning when I was seven months pregnant. That afternoon, our doctor’s office called saying they were holding a space for me at labor and delivery so I could be induced that night. I was taken aback. In the six weeks we knew the pregnancy was in jeopardy, no one had ever mentioned that I might have to “give birth” to a dead baby. The very phrase itself is paradoxical, but there I was, being told to pack my things and head to L&D. That wasn’t my only option, but the doctor’s office didn’t share this with me because they were affiliated with a…
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Week 36: Zen
T-4 days to delivery. I should be freaking out. I should be excited. I should be anxious or worried. But I am not. I am none of those things. I am eerily calm. Chill. At peace. Zen. This is a new feeling. Something neither of us has felt in 3 years. I remember a particular Denver Share meeting where we had a guest facilitator who had us write a word on a rock. The word was supposed to be something that was meaningful to us about the loss of our babies. This was shortly after we lost Marley. I wrote the word, “peace.” Peace was something I had been longing…
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Week 35: The Nursery
The room designated as “the nursery” in our house has gone through many changes in the last four years. The previous owners used it as a bedroom for their toddler. Then it became my office, where I took classes and studied. When I became pregnant with Marley, the plan was to turn the room into an adventure-themed nursery. But when Marley died, the room became a somber museum, a monument to our loss. Her clean and unworn baby clothes hung in the closet. All of the shower gifts were in piles around the room. The door was often closed because neither of us could bear to spend time in there.…
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Week 34: Weird Things
A funny thing happened this week. At my Friday appointment, the baby was head down. By Monday, she was head up, and then by Friday, head down again. She’s a mover and shaker! The other weird thing that happened this week was that during my NST, I had two contractions about 12 minutes apart. Or so the monitor says. I didn’t feel them at all. And my OB reassured me that if I am not feeling them, there’s nothing to worry about. I know that Braxton-Hicks contractions are practice labor contractions, and I have been getting those a bit more frequently. Maybe 2-3 times a week now. But an actual…
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Week 33: Three times a week
I hate the term high-risk. High risk for what? Anything? Everything? Getting pregnant for the first time at 38 years old, I was instantly labeled high risk because I was over 35. This meant that my anatomy scan at 20 weeks had to be done at a Perinatologist’s office (high-risk OB) instead of with my regular OB. I remember going to that office and filling out the paperwork for the first time. Each page had a little label with my name, DOB, the medical record number, and the words “High Risk.” This was BEFORE we even knew about Marley’s condition. (Also, if I am already at the high-risk doctor’s office,…
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Week 32: And Stay Down!
This week the baby is head down. She had been breached for a while (head up), and now she’s moved into the correct birthing position. Hooray! We’re on our way. Having a breech baby isn’t a bad thing per se. I think I read something like 50% of babies are breech at week 27, and only 5% are by week 36. So they somehow turn themselves around in there and get into the correct position for delivery. But man, having a not breeched baby is just WAY more comfortable. Her little kicks and punches are more pronounced when her head is down, and it’s easier to count kicks and track…
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Week 31: Hair!
Genetics are always such a crapshoot. Which is what makes life interesting. Will she have Nick’s temperament (I pray to God!) and my love for organization? Will she look like one of us, both of us, none of us? Up until recently, we didn’t dare ask these questions. Preparing for a baby and imagining a baby are actually two different things. Preparing. That’s easy to do. It’s logistics. Stuff. To-do lists. And if you know Monique, you know she does those things well. Imagining a baby. Well, that’s some tough stuff. We know she is real but do we dare to dream? Do we dare to think about all possibilities…
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Week 30: Baby Face
Technology is a hell of a thing. This week we saw our baby’s face for the first time. How? Shout out to Heather, our ultrasound tech, who went in for a 3D photo and nailed it. Apparently, these 3D photos are a composite of 2D images taken and rendered, so God knows how accurate they are, but she has a face! And cheeks! And lips! And they are so cute, and I can’t wait to kiss them all! Up until now, we had only seen profile photos in the ultrasounds. And like all our babies before, she had my nose, and we suspect she has Nick’s feet. All of our…
